3 Tips to Avoid Resentment (When You’re Not Getting the Help)
3 Tips to Avoid Resentment (When You’re Not Getting the Help)
Each time I had a baby, which has been 5 times, things would be that little more challenging (and joyful of course).
When we have our first baby, it’s brand new territory. Learning how to look after this precious little Being and still care for ourselves. We don’t yet know what we don’t know at that point.
Dealing with recovering from the birth, learning how to breastfeed, getting used to big, leaky boobs, the 2-4 hourly breastfeeds and broken sleeps, feeling the pain and hopelessness when the baby is crying and we don’t know what they need or how to help…. totally overwhelming.
Trying to get the ‘normal’ things done like grocery shopping or cooking a meal, all while jigging a newborn or entertaining a 12 month old, not to mention hormones fluctuating and you’re sooo tired.
No help in sight – it’s all on you. Phew! Motherhood has been known to be exhausting and challenging, with moments of heart-melting joy.
It’s no wonder we fall in a heap, end up getting the blues, or don’t meet our breastfeeding desires and have feelings of being incapable. And resentment starts creeping in.
As our 2nd and 3rd babies joined our family, I knew more… but new juggles – with other kids to tend to, more laundry to wash, dry and fold and racing out the door for school drop offs and pick ups. (You may have noticed your baby gets hungry just as you’re ready to go out, or as soon as you get there!).
I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say we all want to feel our best. Yet mothers tend to put their own needs on the backburner until, well, one day we’re in the burner. And then what?
With having social media these days, there’s the ability to see SO many people’s challenges and complaints.
I see mothers expressing about the lack of support they have with their children. Comments like, partners feeling because they work, the mother’s job is the household chores and most of the parenting. And that’s frustrating and sad.
Can you relate? Maybe you’re getting some help but can feel the resentment setting in because your partner, or friends are out having fun, getting ‘self-time’ often, while you’re stuck at home juggling all the things.
I want you to know, mama, don’t wait for the resentment to set in. And if it already has, it’s time to make some changes.
Here’s 3 things I learned and I trust will help you too:
- Speak up, be frank, say what it is you are needing.
I’m not talking about saying things like “I wish I could get more sleep” or “Why am I the only one who cleans the bathroom around here?” (I’ve said that one a few times before), or “If only a fairy would appear” and other sarcastic remarks. They don’t help. At all.
Instead be clear and direct. Get clear on what things will make a big difference to you. Eg: Laundry is piling up. Partner watches tv of an evening. “Hey….. would you mind folding the washing while you’re watching your show, please?”.
Now ready for a BIG tip? Do not criticise your partners efforts.
You can show them how you prefer things done, but let them do it their way. Let. It. Go. Remember, they are coming from how they were shown as a child. If they had a mother who did everything for them, well, they’re going to need some lessons on how to contribute. But do it from a calm place.
If a family member or friend pops in for a visit, ask them to just sit with you and give you a shoulder rub in silence while you doze off for 15 minutes. Or betters still, ask them to wash the dishes. Please. Or hang out a load of washing.
You may even need to hire a cleaner for several months. If you’re partner doesn’t want to spend the money or can’t see the need for it try this:
Invite your spouse to observe what goes on in the home for a few hours. They aren’t to do anything, but to observe what you’re doing all day long. When they can see what goes on in a day with a newborn, or toddler …or a tribe of kids, they can start to understand. Just as if you might know what their job is…but have you actually gone to their office / work place to see what they do all day?
Whatever it is you need, work it out and ask the best person/s you know who can handle it to give a helping hand. Yes, even if you’ve got a toddler or older child and your baby is not a newborn anymore. It takes a village to raise a child.
** Getting better at asking for the help you need, by being direct and polite, will help everyone in the end – plus you’re role modelling for your children.
- Invest in a slow cooker.
Even if you can use it for the first 8-10 weeks, it’ll be a phenomenal time saver for you.
Ideally you’ll have someone who can help prepare/cook some meals, or even come over and chop up a heap of veges and have them ready to go in containers in the fridge.
If not:
Plan B is pop baby in a sling, or sit them in a high chair next to you while you prep some organic root vegetables, celery, filtered water, garlic, grated ginger, bay leaves and organic chicken frames or grass fed beef bones and a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar and salt to taste.
Of course, leave it vegetarian if you prefer but add some ghee or coconut oil before serving. Your body needs the fats for hormones and breastfeeding. Throw it all in the slow cooker, (or a big pot), and let it do it’s thing.
You can also add quinoa into the mix for extra protein and vitamins.
After several hours you’ll have a nourishing broth to go to when you need an energy boost. (The tricky thing will be getting the flesh off the bones and taking the chicken bones out… ask your partner to help with that).
Use the slow cooker every day to put easy meals together so you never again have those moments of “OMG, I’m staaaaarviiing. Give me anything!!”
** The benefits of a bone/vege broth is it’s anti-inflammatory and easy to digest which is what your system needs more of at this time.
Listen to your body and rest, snooze, sleep.
These days, I can really tune into my body, and when I’m feeling my energy fizzle – especially when at the computer – I know when it’s time to get up, step away and go take a 10 – 15 minute nap.
Never underestimate the power of ‘nanna naps’! They can do us the world of good. And it helps us avoid being mama cranky pants. Well, mostly. When we’re tired, we snap, say things we regret and get overwhelmed really quickly. Sleep also helps create healthy hormones. So rest up mama!
- If you’re breastfeeding lay down on the bed and breastfeed laying down on your side.
- If you’ve got an older baby, take a nap or just sit on the coach and zone out, while they sleep or play in the same room as you, for just 15 minutes. Do nothing.
All things can wait 15 minutes. Trust me.
Don’t fall into that trap, like I did, saying “Oh I’ll just quickly do this… and that…..” then 40 minutes later….”Oh crap, my baby is awake and I didn’t rest”. I learned the hard way.
** You need sleep to create hormones. Hormones help create better sleep. Nourish yourself with protein and fat rich foods and get your naps in.
If you can implement one thing at a time, it will help build up better habits. What we saw our mother doing, will have a big part in how we now do things. If it’s not serving you, it’s time to create healthier habits.
I’d love to hear from you, too!
Let me know if this has been helpful, if you were already doing anything like this, or what you want to hear more about. I’m here for you mama.
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Blessings Mama
Tara
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